The Script

The Nose

A play adapted from Nikolai Gogol’s The Nose

(from the Complete Tales of Nikolai Gogol as edited by Leonard J. Kent from translation by Constance Garnett)

by

Aaron Masi, © December 2007 – January 2008







Act I

Scene I

Petersburg, Ukraine, 1836

Enter The Storyteller.

The Storyteller              On the 25th day of March in the Russian city of Petersburg…it had not been     sainted at
                                    this point…an extraordinarily strange incident took place.  From time to time I will tell you
                                    about this event but for now I must tell you something else.  Petersburg like any good                                         Russian city was filled with drunkards!  It was also filled with a great many bureaucrats,                                     politicians, and old women.  Though it is unfair of me to mention old women in the same                                     breath as the others for they are fine upstanding citizens and old women are wretched.                                      There is a citizen among them who could be some thing special as long as he can find a                                     good woman worth two hundred thousand.  I suppose I should tell you about him, but I’d                                     rather not.

Scene I a

A dinner party at the home of Madame Podtochina, an officer’s widow, and her daughter, Aleka

Enter Madame and Aleka Podtochina.

Aleka                            Mother, why does Major Kovaliov spurn me?  Am I not pleasant company?

Madame Podtochina        On the contrary my dearest daughter, you are a joy to be around.  You are beautiful,
                                    witty, and well read.  Our poor Major is unwise to hesitate and that is why we have
                                    worked so hard to change his mind.  Tonight we will feast my dear: a feast that will
                                    symbolize the completion of our endeavors.  Tonight Major Kovaliov begins a new
                                    journey toward enlightenment.  And I am sure he will finally ask for your hand.

Aleka                            Yes mother.  I hope you are right.  I am eager to see him.  Our time together has been                                     very pleasant.  Do you think he suspects us?

Madame Podtochina       Suspects us, no.  His mind is occupied by the ascendance of his rank.  He will not suspect
                                    a thing.  And if he does we shall assure him of our best intentions.  I have studied long                                         and hard since your father died, for I knew we would not have the money to find you an                                     appropriate husband.  I have traded my soul for your joy, my lovely, and I wouldn’t trade                                     it back.  Kovaliov will find a change of heart.

Aleka                            Oh mother!  I will finally have a husband…oh, someone has arrived.

Enter Chekhtariova.

Madame Podtochina       Good evening my friend.  I am so happy you could make it this evening.  We thought    
                                    your other engagements might keep you from joining us.  Please come in and make
                                    yourself comfortable.

Aleka                            Welcome Councilor Chekhtariova.  I am honored to see you again.

Chekhtariova                 You two are nothing if consistent.  You welcome me to your home, a place I’ve been
                                    innumerable times, as though I was some foreign dignitary come to sign a treaty.  I am                                     your friend and I will always be that.  I cannot fathom such propriety after all we’ve been
                                    through.  Do not play the compliant hosts for me, my dears, as it leaves a bad taste in                                         my mouth.  You must stop being humble, penitent women who’ll do anything for a man. 
                                    It is high time that women took their rightful place in the world.  (Noticing Aleka’s
                                    primping and finery)  Oh, I see, Kovaliov is coming isn’t he?  You’re engendering
                                    yourselves on his behalf.  He’s a fop, ladies, a womanizing grab basket.

Madame Podtochina       Now, now, councilor, did we wake up without our coffee this morning?  You seem a bit on
                                    the edge this evening.  Please do not concern yourself with our needs tonight, just enjoy
                                    the company and the conversation.

Chekhtariova                 Still unwilling to stand up for yourself, Aleksandra.  For shame, you must stop pandering
                                    to the likes of Kovaliov and start taking from the world what is rightfully yours.  Why
                                    should you need to marry your glorious daughter off to some schmuck with a title?

Aleka                            (Responding to his flattery) Thank you, councilor.

Chekhtariova                 Because your husband died and left you with too little for you to stand on your own? 
                                    Nonsense!  Did I not show you where the power truly lies?  Did I not give you an
                                    opportunity to be free of reliance on any man?  You must take heart and take back what
                                    is rightfully yours.

Madame Podtochina       Indeed you showed me the darkness, and the light that can be bought from it at
                                    tremendous cost.

Chekhtariova                 Further nonsense!  I showed you the power that has belong to women from the beginning
                                    of time.  It is the men who call it dark; it is the men who call it the devil’s work.  But ask
                                    them to remove their manhood, and watch them squirm I tell you.  Ask a woman to
                                    remove her womanhood and she’ll bow in obsequience and roll over to be f…oh some
                                    else has arrived.

Enter Major Kovaliov.

Madame Podtochina       Good evening fine sir.  Please take comfort in our home.  Major Kovaliov it is good to see
                                    you again.  Aleka and I are honored by your persistent accompaniment.

Kovaliov                        The honor is all mine; (Aside) as is the pleasure.  What a gift to be a courtier: free food,
                                    free drink, and the company of fine women.  Whispers, fluttered eyes, and soft hands are
                                    my favors whenever I wish them.  And all I have to do is offer the hope that I might one
                                    day in the near future ask for one of those hands to be my own. (Back to Aleka)  It is
                                    good to see you Aleka.

Aleka                            It is good to see you, Major.

Chekhtariova                 Major Kovaliov how good it is to see you.  You don’t have any other place to be tonight? 
                                    It is so wonderful to share your company.

Kovaliov                        Greetings Councilor Chekhtariova.  I have saved this date for my good friends and my
                                    dearest Aleka.

Madame Podtochina       You are a busy man, I know.  It is good to have you as a friend and companion for my
                                    daughter.

Kovaliov                        Aleka Podtochina any man would be blessed to have you for a wife.   I myself…

Madame Podtochina       So you’ve finally agreed to marry my daughter, what glorious news!

Aleka                           Oh Major (Hugging him), we will be so happy.

Kovaliov                       What?  No, no, no.  You misunderstand me my dear ladies.   I have not asked for your
                                    hand, yet.  I was transfixed in wonder by the lack of callers and courtiers considering
                                    your daughters stunning beauty.

Aleka                            Major, please.  You’ll bring me to blush.

Madame Podtochina       Do not flatter yourself, my dear Kovaliov.  You are not alone in efforts to woo my
                                    daughter.  Many gentlemen have come to offer themselves as husbands for my sweet
                                    Aleka.  You must consider yourself lucky, for I have rebuffed the other offers in favor of
                                    your company for my daughter.

Kovaliov                        I am honored to be placed so highly in your favor.

Madame Podtochina        Please, let us retire to eat and talk more…take a moment to catch up while I prepare for
                                    our meal.

Chekhtariova                 Perhaps I might have a word with the major before dinner?

Madame Podtochina        I need a strong back in the kitchen, dear councilor, please aid me.

Madame Podtochina exits dragging Chekhtariova with her.

Aleka                            Major?

Major Kovaliov               Yes. 

Aleka                            Do you not find me attractive?

Major Kovaliov               To the contrary, I am drawn to you immeasurably.

Aleka                            Do you not take pleasure in my company?

Major Kovaliov               No again.  I am fascinated by your mere presence and set a spin by your delightful
                                    conversation.

Aleka                            Then why do you not ask for my hand?  Is it because I am of lower station?

Major Kovaliov               My dear Aleka.  Do not fret so about these matters, it does not suit you.  Remember that
                                    I am a busy man and my commitments to my friends and associates are unwavering. 
                                    Time will tell if we are meant for each other and frankly, I’d say we are moving in the
                                    right direction.

Aleka                            Oh Major! (Hugging him)  Perhaps fate will help you see how right you are.

Major Kovaliov               Perhaps.

Scene ends.

Scene II

The Storyteller              I wish to now introduce to you the barber, Ivan Yakovlevich, who lives on Voznesensky                                        Avenue.  I call him Ivan Yakovlevich rather than Ivan Yakovlevich Petrov or Ivan                                                Yakovlevich Andropov because his surname was lost and nothing more appears even on                                    his signboard.

Scene II a
 
The home of Ivan Yakovlevich and Praskovia Osipovna

Enter Ivan Yakovlevich and Praskovia Osipovna.

Ivan Yakovlevich           Sleep has not aided in stopping me from reeling from my adventures last night.  My head
                                    assures me that I was drinking last night, but my memories of that event are fogged to
                                    be sure.  Ah, my wife has prepared a meal. (To her) I won’t have coffee today, Praskovia
                                    Osipovna.  Instead I should like to have some hot bread with onions.

The Storyteller               The fact is that Ivan Yakovlevich would have liked coffee and bread, but he knew that it
                                    was utterly impossible to ask for two things at once, for Praskovia Osipovna greatly
                                    disliked such caprices.

Praskovia Osipovna        Have your bread you fool, so much the better for me.  There will be an extra cup of
                                    coffee.  Your finicky eating habits do not concern me in the least.  You are a drunkard
                                    and a rascal, and you provide me with nothing but suffering.

Ivan Yakovlevich           Whatever do you mean?

Praskovia Osipovna        Eat your bread, idiot.  You have provided me with no children, a hovel of a home, a sore
                                    back and barely enough money to bake your bread and fill your sour belly with coffee. 
                                    Every day you’ve either cut one of your customers while shaving them, or you come
                                    home drunk.  Why do you burden me with your love?

Ivan Yakovlevich           I love you too my dear.  The bread is hot and good.

Praskovia Osipovna       Fool!  What’s that?!

Ivan Yakovlevich           What’s what?

Praskovia Osipovna       That (pointing)…that thing that fell out of your bread?  What have you brought home now!

Ivan Yakovlevich           It’s solid.  What in the world is it?

The Storyteller               That look of horror on Ivan Yakovlevich’s face is there because he is more dead than
                                    alive as the olfactory appendage that just fell out of his bread is familiar to him.  Indeed,
                                    he has seen it many times and pulled it this way and that many times more as he shaved                                     the face of one, Platon Kuzmich Kovaliov, a Collegiate Assessor from the Caucasus,
                                    whom he shaved every Wednesday and every Sunday.   Yes the same Kovaliov that has
                                    been entreating the love of Aleka Podtochina.  I suppose it would be particularly
                                    annoying if I told you more about this Kovaliov while you’re in the middle of learning
                                    about Ivan, but none-the-less that is what I am going to do.  After I find an orange or
                                    two.

Praskovia Osipovna        Open your eyes, it is a nose!  Where have you cut that nose off, you monster?  You
                                    scoundrel, you drunkard, I’ll go to the police myself to report you!  You villain!  I have
                                    heard from three men that when you are shaving them you pull at their noses till you
                                    almost tug then off.  I am going to find an inspector right this very minute.

Ivan Yakovlevich           Wait, Praskovia Osipovna!  I’ll wrap it up in a rag and put it in a corner.  Let it stay there
                                    for a while; I’ll return it later on.

Praskovia Osipovna:      I won’t hear of it!  As though I would allow a stray nose to lie about in my room.  You
                                    dried-up biscuit!   (aside) He can do nothing but sharpen his razor on the strop, but soon
                                    he won’t be fit to do his duties at all, the strumpet, the good-for-nothing!   (back to Ivan)
                                    As though I were going to answer to the police for you…Oh, you dirt, you stupid
                                    blockhead.  Away with it, away with it!  Take it where you like!  Don’t let me set eyes on
                                    it again!

Ivan Yakovlevich           The devil only knows how it happened.  Did I come home drunk last night or not?  I can’t
                                    say for certain now.  But from all the signs it seems that something extraordinary must
                                    have happened, for bread is a thing that is baked, while a nose is something quite
                                    different.  I can’t make head or tail of it.

Enter The Nose.

The Nose                       What is all the commotion?

Ivan and Praskovia         What?

The Nose                       The hollering, the noise, the fury.  Where does all this come from and to what end are                                         you unleashing it?

Praskovia Osipovna        I will not stand for this, Ivan Yakovlevich.  I am going out.  When I return you can
                                    explain this mess to the police for your self.  I cannot abide by reproach from a nose. 
                                    This simply will not stand.

Praskovia Osipovna exits.

The Nose:                     Are you staring at me?  How rude.

Ivan Yakovlevich:          You are Major Kovaliov’s nose, are you not?

The Nose:                     I was.  Now I am a free citizen.

Ivan Yakovlevich:          A citizen you say, how can that be?  Did the Major release you from your duties as his
                                    sniffer?  I cannot see how one could decide to free one’s nose.

The Nose:                     I do not claim to understand it, but it is so.  Could I have some bread?

Ivan Yakovlevich:          You eat?

The Nose:                     I haven’t before, but since I am my own nose it only seems proper, don’t you think?

Ivan Yakovlevich:          Ghastly!

Scene II b

Enter Praskovia Osipovna and Inspector Astrovsky.

Praskovia Osipovna:      There…there it is.  A nose. And a drunkard who can’t remember where he cut it off.

Inspector Astrovsky:     What is the meaning of this Ivan Yakovlevich?  What troubles are you stirring?

Ivan Yakovlevich:          I swear this it not my doing.  I did drink last night, but I’d surely remember cutting off
                                    someone’s nose.

Praskovia Osipovna:      You don’t remember to bathe, why would you remember dismemberment?

Inspector Astrovsky:      And what about you, what do you have to say for yourself?

The Nose:                     I’d say that I’m quite delighted by my sudden freedom and that I shall soon go and find
                                    myself a job.

Inspector Astrovsky:      I don’t know about all that, but you seem to be quiet enough.  As for you, Ivan
                                    Yakovlevich, I’ve had my eyes on you.  I don’t know whom you’ve taken this nose from,
                                    or what spirit possessed you to do so, but you will come with me for further questioning.

Ivan Yakovlevich:          But, but…it fell out of the bread.  I didn’t…

Praskovia Osipovna:      You scoundrel!  Always shirking responsibility for your dirty deeds.

Ivan Yakovlevich:          But I…

Inspector Astrovsky:      Come with me and we’ll set things to right.

Praskovia Osipovna:      Keep him as long as you like.

Inspector Astrovsky and Ivan Yakovlevich exeunt.

Scene II c

The Nose:                     Things seem much quieter now.

Praskovia Osipovna:      Ah!  I had forgotten about you.  Why are you still here?

The Nose:                     Well, I don’t really know where to begin.

Praskovia Osipovna:      You can begin by getting out of my home, you rascal.  Then you can find your face and
                                    return to your proper situation.

The Nose:                     Oh no, I am free, and free I shall stay.  Perhaps I should get a job.

Praskovia Osipovna:      Perhaps you should, you could be a civil councilor: they are always putting themselves in
                                    other people’s business.

The Nose:                     A civil councilor you say?  That sounds about right.

Praskovia Osipovna:      Excuse me.

The Nose:                     What is it?

Praskovia Osipovna:      Get out!

The Nose exits.

Praskovia Osipovna:      I slave my life away for my stupid husband and all I get in return is his dreadful stink and
                                    an insolent nose.  How absurd!

Praskovia Exits.

Scene III

Outside of Madame Podtochina’s home, after the party

Madame Podtochina       Well, my dear Major, it has been exceptionally wonderful to see you this evening.  My
                                    dearest Aleka is anxious to finalize our proposal.  Please remember that courtship is the
                                    road to matrimony and…

Major Kovaliov               Madame Podtochina, I understand your desire to find your daughter a good husband, yet
                                    I am not currently in the position to offer such services.  I am quite fond of Aleka and I
                                    will further consider your offer as time permits, but for now let us simply spend time
                                    together so we may be certain of our feelings and…

Madame Podtochina       Major Kovaliov you know how my daughter feels about you.  I shall respect your need for
                                    further consideration, but I encourage you to come to a decision.  Other suitors are
                                    eager to court my daughter and I shall not wait until she is too old to be desired.

Kovaliov                        I sense that things will change for the better very soon.

Madame Podtochina        You don’t know how right you are, Major.

Aleka enters.

Aleka                            Major, major…oh, I thought I had missed you!

Major Kovaliov               I am here still.

Aleka                            I wished to express my gratitude for your constant attention.  Your company has brought
                                    me cheer and comfort since my father’s passing.  I cannot thank you enough.

Major Kovaliov               It is I whom should thank you, Aleka.  Your beauty is unsurpassed and you intellect
                                    rivals the great sages.  I look forward to seeing you tomorrow and I was just telling your
                                    mother that I am of the opinion that our current situation is due for a change…

Aleka                            Oh, Major that is so wonderful!

Major Kovaliov               Do not jump to conclusions again, my dear.

Aleka                            Oh I’d never do that, Major.  My curiosity is, however, piqued by your subtle hints at this
                                    mysterious change you foresee.

Major Kovaliov               Well, I am unsure if I’ve foreseen anything, but I’ve certainly felt something.  Good
                                    night, my dear (Kissing her hand).  Madame Podtochina, I take my leave.  Your
                                    hospitality astounds me yet again.  Councilor I’ll see you tomorrow for that game of
                                    Boston, yes?

Chekhtariova                 You shall see me, Major, and I shall have a few words to share with you about important
                                    things.

Kovaliov                        A job?  Oh delightful!

Chekhtariova                 Until tomorrow, Major.

Madame Podtochina        Good night, Major.

Aleka                            Until tomorrow.

Major Kovaliov               Tomorrow.

Major Kovaliov exits.

Aleka                            Mother what have you done?

Chekhtariova                 Yes, Aleksandra, what have you done.  Except for his deliriousness about finding a good
                                    job, our dearest major, seems to be having a change of heart.  You’ve finally tapped your
                                    potential I see.

Madame Podtochina       Whatever do you mean? 

Aleka                           Our plan is already taking its effect.  The Major claims to be feeling something.  Shouldn’t
                                   we be worried that he could discover our sorceries?

Madame Podtochina      What the Major is feeling, my dear, is guilt for being so stubborn about our proposal. 
                                   When our spell takes effect it will not be so subtle as to cause an indescribable feeling,
                                   rather it will cause such a stark and substantial effect that the Major will be overcome and
                                   will surely re-evaluate his current position.

Chekhtariova                Let me guess, he’ll wake up one day and he’ll be without his most vain-glorious part!  Oh
                                   I cannot wait for that.

Madame Podtochina      Councilor, you are devious and lewd.  The magic I have been working suggest that love
                                   will overcome greed and nothing more.

Aleka                           I do hope so, mother.  I enjoy the Major’s company, yet there could be so much more.

Madame Podtochina      Be calm.  Do not show your excitement for the Major’s change of heart before it has
                                   occurred.  He will come to you in due time, and for now we shall wait.

They exeunt.

Scene IV

The Storyteller              It is a funny thing that this tale has unfolded as it has.  One would think that Podtochina’s
                                   black dabblings would be a cause of it, but I assure you that Kovaliov’s greed is thicker
                                   than Ivan’s whiskers, and no amount of petty witchery will bring him home to roost.  But I
                                   can say that Kovaliov is headed for a new perspective and that all the others will be
                                   astounded by what will come to pass.  I’d like to tell you how it all happened and by what
                                   physical principles such extremes could be measured but the causation of such an incident
                                   is completely veiled in obscurity, and absolutely nothing is known of how it happened.  I
                                   can only assure you that it did.

Scene IV b

At the office of Inspector Astrovsky

Inspector Astrovsky      Now then, Ivan Yakovlevich, tell me of your treachery.  From whom did you remove the
                                   nose?  And for what purpose?

Ivan Yakovlevich          I have done nothing.  It just appeared at our breakfast table.

Astrovsky                    Appeared you say?  I do not believe you, you are a liar and a rascal.  Tell me the truth
                                  now, or you will suffer greatly.

Ivan                           But your honor…

Astrovsky                   No, no, old fellow, I am not ‘your honor.’  Tell me what you were doing with that nose.

Ivan                           I was sitting down to eat my breakfast and…

Astrovsky                   That’s a lie!  That’s a lie!  You won’t get off with that.  Kindly answer!

Ivan                           I am ready to shave you, gracious sir, two or even three times a week with no conditions
                                 whatsoever.

Astrovsky                   No, my friend, that is nonsense; I have three barbers to shave me and they think it a great
                                 honor, too.  But be so kind as to tell me what you were doing with someone else’s nose.

Ivan                          Perhaps I could remember if I were to have a glass of punch.  I am quite parched and my
                                 thoughts do not come no matter how hard I try to think.

Astrovsky                   If I clobbered you with my halberd you’d start to think wouldn’t you, you self-absorbed
                                 rathskellian!  I have a mute mother-in-law, that’s my wife’s mother, who’s more
                                 forthcoming than you are.  Perhaps some time in the cage will sort out the cobwebs you
                                 call a brain.

Ivan                          But your honor, my wife will be worried, and I’ll surely miss lunch if you keep me locked up.

Astrovsky                  That’s right, you’ll miss out on a great many things since you are so insolent as to keep the
                                truth from the law, man.  The law cares not for your empty belly, your soured brain, or your
                                wife’s destitution.  The law seeks the truth and to apprehend those who would take what is
                                not rightfully theirs.  Do you deny that you have taken someone’s nose?

Ivan                         I cannot deny it since it was in my home, but I cannot say how it happened.  But please,
                                Inspector, don’t I get a chance to prove my innocence?

Astrovsky                 No.

Ivan                         Why not?

Astrovsky                 Because you are guilty and I’ve only to find how and why.

Scene ends.

Act II

Scene I

That morning at Major Kovaliov’s home

The Storyteller          Kovaliov the collegiate assessor woke up early next morning and made the sound “brrr…”
                               with his lips as he always did when he woke up, though he could not have explained the
                               reason for his doing so.  I would be remiss if I did take time now to tell you a bit more about
                               our dear Major’s beginnings so you will have some idea of what kind of collegiate assessor
                               he is.  Collegiate assessors who receive that title with the aid of academic diplomas cannot
                               be compared with those who are created collegiate assessors in the Caucasus.  They are two
                               quite different species.  The erudite collegiate assessors…But Russia is such a wonderful
                               country that, if you say a word about one collegiate assessor, all the collegiate assessors
                               from Riga to Kamchatka would certainly think you are referring to them; and it is the same,
                               of course, with all grades and titles.  Kovaliov was a collegiate assessor from the Caucasus. 
                               He had only been of that rank for the last two years, and so could not forget it for a
                               moment; and to give himself greater weight and dignity he did not call himself simply
                               collegiate assessor but always spoke of himself as a major.  Now that I’ve said all that I wish
                               I hadn’t.  Does anyone have a drink?

Major Kovaliov         Brrr…what a glorious morning.  I need a good stretch to get going in the morning.  Then I’ll
                               dress and wash up and find that rogue of a barber to shave me before the morning service. 
                               What’s this?  Ah!  What treachery is this?  What evil has befallen me?  My nose, my nose, my
                               nose!  It is not where it should be here upon my face.  Calm yourself Major.  Let me think. 
                               Last night I spent a quiet evening with Madame Podtochina and her delightful daughter,
                               Aleka, and the civil councilor Chekhtariova.  They were courteous and gracious.  They did
                               not seem offended in the least by my appearance, so I must have had my nose on then. 
                                Indeed I did!  I recall that bit of snuff I accepted from Councilor Chekhtariova.  Surely my
                                good friend would not have offered me a bit a snuff if he had seen that I had no nose.  So
                                that brings me to my bedtime preparations.  I undressed and washed my face…ah ha!  I
                                discovered a pimple settling upon my proboscis, so I indeed had my nose when I fell to                                     sleep.  How can this be then?  One simply does not lose ones nose while sleeping.  Perhaps
                                I have been robbed.  But I could not have slept so sound as to have missed the pulling and
                                tugging required to remove someone’s nose, nor the pain and shock had the thief been so
                                unsurreptitious as to have cut it off.  God!  I am at a loss for thoughts, as well as my poor
                                nose.  I shall go out to search for it.  Surely someone has seen it or heard of its
                                whereabouts.  Yet what will folks say when they find I have no nose.  I shall have to
                                disguise my predicament until some logic takes the place of this absurdity.

Scene II

The Storyteller          So it was that major Kovaliov set out in search of his olfactory appendage.  I shall tell you a
                                bit about what happened.  At first further misfortune settled upon him as he could not find a
                                cab and so he was obliged to walk.  He wrapped himself in a cloak and hid his face in a
                                handkerchief as though he had a bloodied nose, which of course he did not because he hand
                                no nose to speak of that could become bloodied, only an absurdly flat space.

Kovaliov                    Can we get on with this please?

The Storyteller           Sorry, dear Major.  Let’s continue.

Kovaliov                    Perhaps it was my imagination; it’s impossible: I couldn’t have been idiotic enough to have
                                lost my nose.

The Storyteller           So he went into a café to view himself in the mirror.  Fortunately the shop was empty of
                                customers, yet some workers were sweeping the floor and arranging the chairs, while other
                                sleepy-eyed ones brought in hot pastries on trays.  Yesterday’s papers covered with coffee
                                stains were lying about on tables and chairs.

Kovaliov                    Well, thank God, there is nobody here.  Now I can look.  What the hell’s the meaning of it? 
                                Damn it!  If only there had been something instead of a nose, but there is nothing!

The Storyteller           Perplexed, vexed, and possibly hexed, he left the café and returned to the street.  At this
                                point he resolved, contrary to his usual practice, not to look at or smile at anyone. 
                                Normally his encounters might look and sound like this…if he met a woman selling shirt
                                fronts he’d say…

Kovaliov                    My dear, you go to my house; I live on Sadovaya Street; just ask, does Major Kovaliov live
                                here?  Anyone will show you.

The Storyteller           Or if he met some pretty little baggage he would also give her a secret instruction, such as…

Kovaliov                    You ask for Major Kovaliov’s flat, my love.

The Storyteller           But today was not normal for our dearest collegiate assessor.  And what happened next
                                didn’t make it any better.

Scene III

Enter The Nose, Kovaliov watches frozen in place.

The Nose                   Now let us see…civil councilor…civil, councilor…hmm…

Astrovsky enters.

The Nose                   …excuse me fine sir.

Astrovsky                  Yes, yes, what is it?

The Nose                   Could you tell me how to find the Civil Councilors’ department?

Astrovsky                  Certainly, you simply walk north on Nevsky Prospekt and stop at the third building on the
                                right after the second intersection.

The Nose                   Ah!  Very good.

Astrovsky                  Why do you ask?

The Nose                   The nose knows.

Astrovsky                  I see, you’ve smelled something rank and you are going to report it to the civil council. 
                                Well, we’ll see each other again I’m sure, since you will get nowhere with those men.  Once
                                you’ve given up on them, I will help you with your problem.

Scene III a

The Nose exits and Kovaliov thaws.                                     

Astrovsky                  Good day to you, sir!  Do you have a sniffle?

Major Kovaliov           No!  I do not have a sniffle.  In fact, I’m sure it is not possible for me to get a sniffle at this
                                time.

Astrovsky                  You seem a bit steamed, Major.  Is something wrong?

Major Kovaliov           I’ve lost something, but I’d rather not talk about it right now.  It is a very sensitive issue.

Astrovsky                  Where are you headed?  To the Kathedral?  I have not been in a while, perhaps we shall go
                                together.

Major Kovaliov           Yes, yes we shall.  My apologies for my flared temper, I’m quite taken aback by my sudden
                                loss and it has knocked me out of sorts.  Come, Inspector.  Perhaps the Lord can help me
                                find my nos… nostalgia.

The Storyteller           That didn’t seem all that bad, eh?  But what you didn’t see was that while the Major spoke
                                with the Inspector, The Nose had indeed gotten himself a job, as a Civil Councilor no less! 
                                Poor Kovaliov was going to find this out the hard way, and surely his faith will be shaken to
                                its foundation.

Scene ends.

Scene VI

Kazansky Cathedral Bazaar

The Storyteller           I am supposed to tell you about an editor’s note at this point, but what’s the purpose as this
                                is a play not a story?  Well, I had better get to it or the playwright will stop giving me lines. 
                                As you may know, Nikolai Gogol was the first to write The Nose.  Then Mrs. Garrett thought
                                to translate his fine if not completely irrational work.  Then it was edited by a Mr. L.J. Kent. 
                                The current playwright, of course, stole all the good ideas and added the wretched ones,
                                and here we are.  None-the-less, one of Gogol’s squabbles with the omnipresent Russian
                                censor came about as a result of the “sacrilegious” presence of the nose in Kazansky
                                Cathedral, which you are about to see.  Gogol, always extremely sensitive to criticism
                                (even, at times, before it was delivered), wrote a note to a friend in which he anticipated the
                                adverse reaction of the censor, and, he wrote, if the censor objected to the nose being in an
                                Orthodox church, he might place it in a Catholic church instead.  But Gogol yielded to the
                                censor, and the nose found itself before a bazaar.  Mrs. Garnett translated from the revised
                                (censor-approved) version.  The original text (which now appears in the Academy edition of
                                Gogol’s work) appears in this horrific adaptation as well as Mr. Kent’s version, which is
                                where the playwright stole this whole diatribe.  Anyway here’s what happened next.

Enter Kovaliov and Astrovsky.

Kovaliov                    Here’s a good spot.

Astrovsky                  There are better seats up front.

Kovaliov                    I like the back.

Astrovsky                  But we will not be seen in the back, sir.

The Nose enters.

Kovaliov                    What’s that?

Astrovsky                  What’s what?

Kovaliov                    That! (Pointing)

Astrovsky                  I recognize him.  He asked me for directions earlier today.  He wished to find the civil
                                council’s department.  A fine gentleman in my estimation.  Though that’s odd…

Kovaliov                    What?

Astrovsky                  Well, one can see by everything – from his uniform, from his hat – that he is a civil
                                councilor.  So why would he need directions to his own department?  Ah yes, that’s it…

Kovaliov                    What?

Astrovsky                  He’s a drunkard!  He’s so full of himself and the latest punch that he can remember his
                                way.  Bureaucrats are like rats, there are too many of them, they are always stealing what
                                if rightfully yours, they bear stench and disease, and you cannot dispose of them for they
                                incessantly breed future generations

Kovaliov                    Save my place.  I’ll be back.

Astrovsky                  Certainly.

Kovaliov                    Sir…sir!

The Nose                   What do you want?

Kovaliov                    It seems… strange to me, sir…you ought to know your proper place, and all at once I find
                                you in a church, of all places!  You will admit…

The Nose                   Excuse me, I cannot understand what you are talking about...explain.

Kovaliov                    How am I to explain to him?  Of course I…I am a major, by the way.  For me to go about
                                without a nose, you must admit, is improper.  An old woman selling peeled oranges on
                                Voskresensky Bridge may sit there without a nose; but having prospects of obtaining…and
                                being besides acquainted with a great many ladies in the families of Chekhtariova the civil
                                councilor and others…you can judge for yourself…I don’t know, sir.  If you look at the matter
                                accordance with the principles of duty and honor… you can understand of yourself…

The Nose                   I don’t understand a word.  Explain it more satisfactorily.

Kovaliov                    Sir, I don’t know how to understand your words.  The matter appears to me perfectly
                                obvious…either you wish…why, you are my own nose!

The Nose                   You are mistaken, sir.  I am an independent individual.  Moreover, there can be no sort of
                                close relations between us.  I see, sir, from the buttons of your uniform, you must be
                                serving in a different department.

Scene IV a

Enter Madame Podtochina and Aleka Podtochina.  Exit the Nose.

The Storyteller           Kovaliov was utterly confused, not knowing what to do or even what to think.  That is until
                                heard the agreeable rustle of a woman’s dress.  He turned to see his beloved Aleka, her
                                mother, and their footman, a huge man with great whiskers and twelve collars.  Kovaliov
                                came nearer to them, arranging him self and his costume, delighted to be able to engage in
                                pleasantries with the beauty that was Aleka Podtochina.

Aleka                        Major!  How wonderful to see you.

Kovaliov                    Ah, my darling Aleka…I’m terribly sorry, but I must be going.  I’ll call on you later!

The Storyteller           And then just as quickly as he’d come he skipped away as though he’d been scalded.  He
                                had suddenly remembered that he had nothing on his face where his nose should be and
                                tears began to flow from his eyes.  He should have already asked for Aleka to marry him
                                for now he would not be in such a predicament.  Surely he would be better of to wake up
                                without a nose and be married than to be a noseless courtier.  Aleka would be forced to love
                                a monster with no nose but at least he would be taken care of, and he’d not have to worry
                                so much about his lost schnoz.  He was ready to turn back to The Nose and reprimand it for
                                pretending to be a civil councilor, that he was a rogue and a scoundrel, and that he should
                                immediately return to his position as the Major’s nose, but it had slipped away.  So Kovaliov
                                fled, ashamed.

Scene IV b

Kovaliov exits.

Aleka                        That was surely strange.  I think our efforts have come to fruition, mother.  I have never
                                seen the major in such a rush.  And it appears that he has some sort of cold.  Maybe now
                                that his health is failing he might reconsider a more stable home and family.  He must surely
                                see the benefits of having a wife to care for him when he is ill, and to comfort him in times
                                of distress.

Madame Podtochina   I think you are correct my dear.  I am curious though about his affect.  These powers that
                                we’ve uncovered seem mysterious to me now.  As I had not intended to make him unwell,
                                simply more likely to affected by your charms.  This is strange indeed.  Perhaps we should
                                discuss this with Chekhtariova.

Aleka and Madame Podtochina exeunt.

Scene V

Outside the Katherdral on Nevsky Prospekt

Kovaliov                    Where has my nose gone?  Damn that thing!  Who could ever plan for this…this…this
                                abomination.  By God, I’ll find that nose and put it back in its proper place.  But where to
                                look?  I should see the inspector.  But first I will put an advertisement in the paper.

Enter Ivan Yakovlevich and Inspector Astrovsky.

Kovaliov                   Ah, Inspector.  I was going to call on you later this day, but now I needn’t bother for you are
                                here with me.

Astrovsky                  No time for that now.  I have evidence to find and scoundrels to reprimand.  Call on me
                                later this day and not before.  Do you understand me, sir.  Do you have a sniffle?

Kovaliov                    No!  I do not have a sniffle.  I will call on you later this day.  Good day, Inspector.  Ivan? 
                                What have you gotten yourself into this time?

Ivan Yakovlevich       I didn’t…

Astrovsky                 I ask the questions here.  You, shut up!  You, be on your way.

Kovaliov                   Know your station, sir!  I am a Major…

Astrovsky                 Yes you are, aren’t you?  A major pain in the ass.  If you don’t take your leave this minute
                               I’ll take you along to prison with this one.

Kovaliov                   Well I never…

Ivan Yakovlevich       Don’t worry, Major.  I’ll be fine.  I’ve been to prison, it’s not so bad.  I know some good
                                people inside, they’ll take care of me.  I’ll be at your beck and call before you know it,
                                ready to shave you.

Kovaliov                    You are braver than I thought, my friend.  Be well.

The Storyteller           At this point, Kovaliov was tempted to run after the Inspector and tell him the woeful tale of
                                his nose, but he realized that since the Nose had lied to him in the cathedral he was surely
                                to lie to an officer of the law.  He was almost reduced to despair when he suddenly felt as
                                though he were directed by heaven itself.  He hailed a cab and beat the cabbie silly as he
                                directed him to a newspaper office.  He would publish a circumstantial description of the
                                Nose, so that anyone meeting it might at once present it to him or at least let him know
                                where it was.  He only hoped that it wouldn’t try to leave town – then all his searches would
                                be in vain, or maybe prolonged, God forbid, for a whole month.

Kovaliov                     (to the Cabbie)        Faster, you rascal; hurry you scoundrel!

The Cabbie                 Ugh, sir!

Scene VI

The office of The Advertising Clerk

Advertising Clerk          One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten.

Kovaliov                      Who receives inquiries here?  Ah, good day!

Advertising Clerk         I wish you a good day.

Kovaliov                     I want to insert an advertisement…

Advertising Clerk        Allow me to ask you to wait a minute.

The Storyteller           Now came the time that Kovaliov was forced to wait interminably long for his chance to
                                speak while a motley series of commoners attempted to sell their wares or in some cases
                                themselves.  First a footman of rather smart appearance in a braided coat, which betrayed
                                that he had at some time worked in an aristocratic family, was standing at the counter with a
                                written paper in his hand and thought fit to display his social abilities.

The Footman             Would you believe it, sir, that the little bitch is not worth eighty kopeks; in fact I wouldn’t
                                give eight for it, and here she will give a hundred rubles to anyone who finds it!  To speak
                                politely, as you and I are speaking now, people’s tastes are quite incompatible: when a
                                man’s a sportsman, then he’ll keep a setter or a poodle; he won’t mind giving five hundred
                                or a thousand so long as it is a good dog.

The Storyteller           The worthy clerk listened to this with a significant air while simultaneously reckoning the
                                number of letters in the advertisement brought him.  Then he went on to listen to the others
                                who came to his shop, telling them how much their advertisements would cost.  There were
                                a number of old women, shop assistants, and house porters who had come to him.   One
                                announced that a coachman of sober habits was looking for a situation; in the next a
                                secondhand carriage brought from Paris in 1814 was offered for sale; next a maid, aged
                                nineteen, experienced in laundry work and also competent to do other work, was looking for
                                a situation; a strong carriage with only one spring broken was for sale; a spirited, young
                                dappled gray horse, only seventeen years old for sale; a new consignment of turnip and
                                radish seed from London; a summer villa with all conveniences, stabling for two horses, and
                                a piece of land that might well be planted with fine birches and pine trees; there was also an
                                appeal to those wishing to buy old boot soles, inviting such to come for the same every day
                                between eight o’clock in the morning and three o’clock in the morning.

Kovaliov                    Dear sir, allow me to ask you…my case is very urgent.

Advertising Clerk        In a minute, in a minute!  What can I do for you?

Kovaliov                    I want to ask…Some robbery or swindle has occurred; I cannot understand it at all.  I only
                                want you to advertise that anyone who brings me the scoundrel will receive a handsome
                                reward.

Advertising Clerk       Allow me to ask what is your surname?

Kovaliov                    No, why put my surname?  I cannot give it to you!  I have a large circle of acquaintances:
                                Chekhtariova, a civil councilor, Podtochina, widow of an officer…they will find out.  God
                                forbid!  You can simply put: ‘a collegiate assessor,’ or better still, ‘a person of major’s rank.’

Advertising Clerk       Is the runaway your house serf, then?

Kovaliov                    A house serf indeed!  That would not be so bad!  It’s my nose…has run away from me…my
                                own nose.

Advertising Clerk       H’m, what a strange surname!  And is it a very large sum this Mr. Nosov has robbed you of?

Kovaliov                    Nosov!   You are on the wrong track.  It is my nose, my own nose that has disappeared.  I
                                don’t know where.  The devil wanted to have a joke at my expense.

Advertising Clerk       But in what way did it disappear?  There is something I can’t quite understand. 

Kovaliov                   And indeed, I can’t tell you how it happened; the point is that now it is driving about the
                                town, calling it self a civil councilor.  And so I beg you to announce that anyone who catches
                                him must bring him at once to me as quickly as possible.  Only think, really, how can I
                                manage it without such a conspicuous part of my person?  It’s not like a little toe, the loss of
                                which I could hide in my boot and no one could say whether it was there or not.  I go on
                                Thursdays to Chekhtariova’s:  Podtochina, an officer’s widow, and her very pretty daughter
                                are great friends of mine; and you can judge for yourself what a fix I am in now…I can’t
                                possibly show myself now…

Advertising Clerk       No, I can’t put an advertisement like that in the paper.

Kovaliov                    What?  Why not?

Advertising Clerk       Well.  The newspaper might lose its reputation.  If everyone is going to write that his nose
                                has run away, why…as it is, they say we print lots of absurd things and false reports.

Kovaliov                    But what is there absurd about this?  I don’t see anything absurd in it.

Advertising Clerk        You think there is nothing absurd in it?  But last week, now this was what happened.  A
                                government clerk came to me just as you have; he brought an advertisement, it came to
                                two rubles seventy-three kopeks, and all the advertisement amounted to was that a
                                poodle with a black coat had strayed.  You wouldn’t think that tere was anything in that,
                                would you?  But it turned out to be libelous: the poodle was the cashier of some
                                department, I don’t remember which.

Kovaliov                    But I am not asking you to advertise about poodles but about my own nose; that is almost
                                the same as about myself.

Advertising Clerk       No, such an advertisement I cannot insert.

Kovaliov                   But since my nose is really lost!

Advertising Clerk      If it is lost that is a matter for the doctor.  They say there are people who can fit you with a
                                nose of any shape you like.  But I observe you must be a gentleman of merry disposition                                     and are fond of having your little joke.

Kovaliov                  I swear as God is holy!  If you like, since it has come to that, I will show you.

Advertising Clerk       I don’t want to trouble you, however, if it is no trouble it might be desirable to have a look. 
                                It really is extremely strange, the place is perfectly flat, like a freshly fried pancake.  Yes,
                                it’s incredibly smooth.

Kovaliov                    Will you dispute it now?  You see for yourself I must advertise.  I shall be particularly
                                grateful to you and very glad this incident has given me the pleasure of your acquaintance.

Advertising Clerk       To print such an advertisement is, of course, not such a very great matter, but I do not
                                foresee any advantage to you from it.  If you do want to, out it in the hands of someone
                                with a skillful pen, describe it as a rare freak of nature, and publish the little article in
                                The Northern Bee for the benefit of youth or anyway as a matter of general interest.  I
                                really am very much grieved that such an incident should have occurred to you.  Wouldn’t
                                you like a pinch of snuff?  It relieves headache and dissipates depression; even in
                                intestinal trouble it is of use.

Kovaliov                    I can’t understand how you can think it proper to make a joke of it, don’t you see that I am
                                without just what I need for sniffing?  To hell with your snuff!  I can’t bear the sight of it now,
                                not merely your miserable Berezinsky stuff but even if you were to offer me rappee itself!

Scene VI

The Inspector’s office

The Storyteller           And so Kovaliov decided to call on the police inspector, Astrovsky, to find a solution to his
                                dilemma.  Unfortunately for Kovaliov his was very easily offended.  He could forgive
                                anything said about himself, but could never forgive insult to his rank or his calling.  He was
                                even of the opinion that any reference to officers of the higher ranks might be allowed to
                                pass in stage plays, but that no attack ought to be made on those of a lower grade.                     
Ivan Yakovlevich        Please, your honor, please let me out.

Astrovsky                  No, no, my friend.  As I have said I am not ‘your honor.’  You have committed a serious act
                                and you are still denying it.

Ivan Yakovlevich       I’ve done nothing, you have no evidence.

Astrovsky                 Quiet!

Enter Kovaliov.                                 

Kovaliov                   Good day, Inspector.

Astrovsky                 Do you have any money?  Money, ah, ha, ha, ha!  That is a thing, there is nothing better   
                                than that thing; it does not ask for food, it takes up little space, there is always room for it
                                in the pocket, and if you drop it, it does not break.  After dinner is not the time to make an
                                inquiry, nature itself has ordained that man should rest a little after eating.

Kovaliov                    I must observe that after observations so insulting on your part I can add nothing more.

Kovaliov exits.

Astrovsky                 A major pain in the ass…

Ivan Yakovlevich       The nose belongs to him!

Astrovsky                 What’s that?

Ivan Yakovlevich       What’s what?

Astrovsky                 What’s that you said just a moment ago?

Ivan Yakovlevich       When?

Astrovsky                 Just the other moment there, after the collegiate assessor left, you rascal.

Ivan Yakovlevich       The nose belongs to him!

Astrovsky                 To who?

Ivan Yakovlevich       To who?

Astrovsky                 What?

Ivan Yakovlevich       What’s that?

Astrovsky                 Quiet!

Ivan Yakovlevich       The nose belongs to Major Kovaliov, I swear it.

Astrovsky                 A lead!  You’re coming with me as a material witness.  Don’t screw it up!

Scene VII

The home of Major Kovaliov

The Storyteller           Kovaliov went home hardly conscious of the ground under his feet; dusk was upon him.  His
                                home seemed to him melancholy or rather utterly disgusting after all these unsuccessful
                                efforts.  As he entered he saw his valet lying about spitting on the ceiling and rather
                                successfully aiming at the same spot.  The nonchalance of his servant enraged him; he hit
                                him with his hat.

Kovaliov                    You pig, you are always doing something stupid.

The Storyteller           After his valet helped his remove his cloak he wearily and dejectedly went up to his room. 
                                He sat down and sighed several times before starting to talk to himself. 

Kovaliov                    My God, my god!  Why has this misfortune befallen me?  If I had lost an arm or leg it would
                                have been better; but without a nose a man is goodness knows what: neither fish not fowl
                                nor human being, good for nothing but to be flung out of the window!  And if only it had
                                been cut off in battle or in a duel, or if I had been the cause of it myself, but as it is, it is lost
                                for no cause or reason, it is lost for nothing, absolutely nothing!  But no it cannot be, it’s
                                incredible that a nose should be lost.  It must be a dream or an illusion.  Perhaps by some
                                mistake I drank instead of water the vodka I use to rub my chin with after shaving.  Ivan,
                                the idiot, did not remove it and very likely I took it. (He pinches himself)  What a terrible
                                sight!

The Storyteller           It was truly incomprehensible; if one lost a button or a silver spoon or a watch or anything
                                similar – but to have lost one’s nose, and in one’s own apartment too!  Kovaliov took some
                                time to really consider his circumstances and that is when he’d begun to realize that there
                                might be another explanation that had previously not considered.  Major Kovaliov reached
                                the supposition that what might be nearest the truth was that the person responsible for this
                                could be no other than Madame Podtochina, who wanted him to marry her daughter.  He
                                himself liked flirting with her, but avoided a definite engagement.  When the mother had
                                informed him plainly that she wished for the marriage, he had slyly put her off with his
                                compliments, saying that he was too young, and that he must serve for five years or so as
                                to be exactly forty-two.  He knew that this was just stalling for the moment when he tired of
                                courting other young women and getting free dinners, but now he realized that those odd
                                conversation that Madame Podtochina had with the civil councilor Chekhtariova had been
                                more than just idle chatter.  They had been discussing spells and witchcraft and Kovaliov
                                had heard of how witches could change people into toads or make them disappear.  Why not
                                make a nose disappear and turn it into a civil councilor so to make a stalling courtier come
                                to his senses!  Kovaliov concocted several plans in his mind: either to summon Madame
                                Podtochina formally before the court or to go to her himself and confront her with it.  His
                                machinations were interrupted by the sound of voices in the hall.

Scene VII a

Astrovsky                  Does the collegiate assessor Kovaliov live here?

Kovaliov                    I told you…

Astrovsky                  Quiet!

Kovaliov                    Come in, Major Kovaliov is here.

Astrovsky                  Did you lose your nose, sir?

Kovaliov                    That is so.

Astrovsky                  It is found.

Kovaliov                    What are you saying?  How?

Astrovsky                  By extraordinary luck: he was caught almost on the road.  He had already taken his seat in
                                the stagecoach and was intending to go to Riga, and had already taken a passport in the
                                name of a government clerk.  And the strange thing is that I myself took him for a
                                gentleman at first, but fortunately I had my spectacles with me and I soon saw that it was a
                                nose.  You know I am shortsighted.  And if you stand before me I only see that you have a
                                face, but I don’t notice your nose or your beard or anything.  My mother-in-law, that is my
                                wife’s mother, doesn’t see anything either.

Kovaliov                    Where?  Where?  I’ll go at once.

Astrovsky                  Don’t disturb yourself.  Knowing that you were in need of it I brought it along with me.   And
                                the strange thing is that the man who has had the most to do with the affair is a rascal of a
                                barber on Voznesensky Avenue, who is now in our custody.  I have long suspected him of
                                drunkenness and thieving, and only the day before yesterday he carried off a strip of
                                buttons from one shop.  Your nose is exactly as it was.

Kovaliov                    That’s it!  That’s certainly it.  You must have a cup of tea with me this evening.

Astrovsky                  I should look upon it as a great pleasure, but I can’t possibly manage it: I have to go from
                                here to the penitentiary…how the price of food is going up…at home I have my mother-                                        in-law, that is my wife’s mother, and my children, the eldest particularly gives signs of great                                 promise, he is a very intelligent child; but we have absolutely no means for his education.

Kovaliov                    Is that so…well…then I propose a trade.

Astrovsky                  What’s that?

Kovaliov                    A trade, sir.  A trade that can only benefit you.

Astrovsky                  I’m listening.

Kovaliov                    Think of a sum that includes the cost of your eldest child’s education, the food and supplies
                                necessary to hold this man you have with you for the time of his imprisonment, a small
                                place for your mother-in-law and half a year’s salary for you.  Take that sum in trade for
                                this man’s return to my care.

Astrovsky                  That is a goodly sum, sir.  But I cannot understand why you would do such a thing.  It is
                                utterly absurd.

Kovaliov                    Perhaps, but I have my reasons.  Will you make the trade?

Astrovsky                  It is done.

Kovaliov                    Good.  Here is your money.

Astrovsky                  Here is your pig.  Good day, Major.

Astrovsky exits.

Scene VII b

Kovaliov                   Good day to you, Inspector.  You are now free Ivan Yakovlevich, what do you have to say
                                for yourself?

Ivan Yakovlevich       I must say that I am at a complete loss as to why all this has come to pass.

Kovaliov                   I have an idea about that, my friend.  But first you must help me affix my nose to its proper
                                place.

Ivan Yakovlevich       H’m!  H’m!   No, it’s impossible.  You had better stay as you are, for it may be made much
                                worse.  Of course, it might be stuck on; I could stick it on for you at once, if you like; but I
                                assure you it would be worse for you.

Kovaliov                    That’s a nice thing to say!  How can I stay without a nose?   Things can’t possibly be worse
                                than now.  It’s simply beyond everything.  Where can I show myself with such a terrible
                                face?  I have a good circle of acquaintances.  Today, for instance, I ought to be at two
                                evening parties.  I know a great many people; Chekhtariova, a civil councilor, Podtochina,
                                an officer’s widow…though after the way she has behaved, ill have nothing more to do with
                                her except through the police.  Do me a favor…is there no way to stick it on?  Even if it were
                                not neatly done, as long as it would stay on; I could even hold it on with my hand at critical
                                moments.  I wouldn’t dance in any case for fear of a sudden movement upsetting it.  As
                                remuneration for your services, you may be assured that as far as my means allow…

Ivan Yakovlevich       I am a barber, not a doctor!  Of course I could replace your nose, but I assure you on my
                                honor, since you do not believe my word, that it will be much worse for you.  You had better
                                wait for the action of nature itself.  Wash it frequently with cold water, and I assure you that
                                even without a nose you will be just as healthy as with out one.  And I advise you to put the
                                nose in a bottle, in spirits, or better still, put two tablespoons of sour vodka on it and heated
                                vinegar – and then you might get quite a sum of money for it.  I’d even take it myself, if
                                you don’t ask too much for it.

Kovaliov                    No, no, I wouldn’t sell it for anything, I’d rather it were lost than that!

Ivan Yakovlevich        Excuse me!  I was trying to be of use to you…

Kovaliov                    Get out you pig, leave me to my own thoughts.

Ivan Yakovlevich        Well, there is nothing I can do!   Anyway, you can see I have done my best.

Ivan Yakovlevich exits.

Kovaliov                     Podtochina and her black magic are responsible for this.  I’ll call on her and confront her. 
                                 Her guilt will give her away and I will have my nose back where it belongs.

Scene VIII

The door of Madame Podtochina

Kovaliov                     Open your doors witch!  I have come for restitution!

Aleka                         Major, what is all the yelling.  After yesterday I was sure you’d be more subdued and
                                 apologetic.  You were certainly not on your best behavior at the services and…

Kovaliov                     Enough!  Bring me your mother so I can get to the bottom of this nonsense.

Aleka                         As you wish.

Aleka exits.

Kovaliov                     Could my dearest Aleka be involved in this dark treachery?

Enter Madame Podtochina.

Madame Podtochina     What have you done to upset my daughter so, Major Kovaliov?  This is most unlike you.

Kovaliov                    Most unlike me?  What have you done?  Aleksandra Grigorievna, I cannot understand this
                                strange conduct on your part.  You may rest assured that you will gain nothing by what
                                you have done, and you will not get a step nearer forcing me to marry your daughter. 
                                Believe me, that business in regard to my nose is no secret, no more than it is that you,
                                and no other, are the person chiefly responsible.  The sudden parting of the same from its
                                natural position, its flight and masquerading, at one time in the form of a government clerk
                                and finally its own shape, is nothing else than the consequence of the sorceries engaged by
                                you or by those who are versed in the same honorable arts as you are.  For my part I
                                consider it my duty to warn you, if the above-mentioned nose is not in its proper place
                                today, I shall be obliged to resort to the assistance and protection of the law.  I have,
                                however, with complete respect to you, the honor to be Your respectful servant, Platon
                                Kovaliov.

Madame Podtochina   Dear sir, Platon Kuzmich!  You words greatly astonish me.  I must frankly confess that I did
                                not expect them, especially in regard to your unjust reproaches.  I assure you I have never
                                received the government clerk of whom you speak in my house, neither in masquerade nor
                                in his own attire.  It is true that Filipp Ivanovich Potanchikov has been to see me, and
                                although, indeed, he is asking me for my daughter’s hand and is a well-conducted, sober
                                man of great learning, I have never encouraged his hopes.  You make some reference to
                                your nose also.  If you wish me to understand by that that you imagine that I meant to
                                make a long nose at you, that is, to give you a formal refusal, I am surprised that you
                                should speak of such a thing when, as you know perfectly well, I was quite of the opposite
                                way of thinking, and if you are courting my daughter with a view to lawful matrimony I am
                                ready to satisfy you immediately, seeing that has always been the object of my
                                keenest desires, in the hopes of which I remain always ready to be of service to you. 

Kovaliov                    No, you are really not to blame.  It’s impossible.   You speak as one who could not be guilty
                                of a crime.  In what way, by what fate, has this happened?  Only the devil could understand
                                it!

Madame Podtochina   Perhaps you should go home and rest for a while.  Return later and we will discuss this
                                demon that has possessed your spirit.

Kovaliov                   Very well, I take my leave.

Kovaliov exits.  Aleka enters with Chekhtariova.

Aleka                       How did he figure it out mother?

Madame Podtochina   It is not difficult my dear, but I have persuaded him otherwise.

Aleka                       What will happen now?  I really love him mother.  I cannot imagine if I were to lose him     
                               after so much time.

Madame Podtochina  He will return and all will be well.

Aleka                      I certainly hope so.

Chekhtariova         Fear not dearest Aleka.  Major Kovaliov’s difficulties and his sudden rash accusations are not
                            due the petty magic that we have engaged in.  Our efforts may have swayed him toward a
                            change of conscience, but this talk of losing one’s nose has come to my ears before now.  Just
                            the other day I ran into a strange fellow, I believe he was a civil councilor though I had
                            remembered him from before.  As he was asking about catching a stagecoach to Riga, he was
                            apprehended by the police.  The officer regarded him naturally at first, but then he donned his
                            glasses and after first dancing I shock, he called out to him saying, ‘You there, nose, you’re to
                            come with me.  You belong to a collegiate assessor on Sadovaya Street and you are a rogue
                            and a scoundrel.’  The councilor tried to ignore him at first, but when the inspector drew him
                            out of the carriage with his halberd, he lost his cloak and uniform, and as he stood their
                            nakedly it was plain to see that he was none other than a nose…an actual nose!  Although
                            there are a great many collegiate assessors living on or near Sadovaya Street it would seem a
                            great coincidence that here comes Major Kovaliov talking of lost noses and accusing good
                            people of witchcraft.  Only time will tell if the work we have wrought has had any affect on the
                            major, but I can assure you that we did not steal a man’s nose. 

Scene IX

The Storyteller       So Kovaliov went home somewhat dismayed, and as he did rumors of this strange occurrence
                            began to spread across town, and of course, not without special additions.  For you see, this
                            was time when the minds of all were particularly interested in the marvelous: experiments in
                            the influence of magnetism had been attracting the public’s attention recently.  Moreover, the
                            story of the dancing chair in Koniuchennaya Street was still fresh, so it is not surprising that
                            people were beginning to say the nose of a collegiate assessor called Kovaliov was walking
                            along Nevsky prospect at exactly three in the afternoon.  People flocked there in great
                            numbers each day, and when someone said that they had seen the nose in Yunker’s shop there
                            appeared such a crowd and such a crush that the police were obliged to intervene.  One
                            speculator, a man of dignified appearance with whiskers, who used to sell cakes and tarts at
                            the doors of the theatres, purposely constructed some very strong wooden benches and
                            offered them to the curious on which to stand for eighty kopeks.  Avery worthy colonel left
                            home early one day but was vexed to discover instead of a nose a lithograph hanging in the
                            window of a shop depicting a girl pulling up her stocking while a foppish young man with a                                 cutaway waistcoat and a small beard, peeps at her from behind a tree; a picture which had
                            been hanging in the same place for more than ten years.  As he walked a way he groaned,
                            ‘How can people be led astray by such stupid and incredible stories!’  As the rumor spread the
                            nose was seen in other areas of the city and mothers asked park superintendents to show this
                            rare phenomenon their children, if possible, with a explanation that should be edifying and
                            instructive for the young.  All gentlemen who wished to amuse the ladies were thankful for
                            such events a they had exhausted their stock of anecdotes.  A small group of worthy and
                            well-intentioned persona were greatly displeased.  One gentleman indignantly stated that he
                            could not understand how in the present enlightened age people could spread abroad these                                 absurd stories, and that he was surprised that the government took no notice of it.  This
                            gentlemen, as may be seen, belonged to the number of those who would like the government                             to meddle in everything, even in their daily quarrels with there wives.  After this…but here
                            again I can tell you no more as the adventure is lost in fog, and what happened afterward is
                            absolutely unknown.

Act III

Scene I

The home of Major Kovaliov and subsequently back down on Nevsky Prospekt

The Storyteller      What is utterly absurd happens in the world.  Sometimes there is not the slightest semblance of
                            truth to it: all at once that very nose which had been driving about the place in the shape of a
                            civil councilor, and had made such a stir in the town, turned up again as though nothing had
                            happened, in its proper place, that is, precisely between the two cheeks of Major Kovaliov. 
                            This took place on the 7th of April. 

Kovaliov                Ivan!  Ivan!  It has returned, my nose has returned to its proper place.  Is this a dream?

Ivan Yakovlevich    My head assures me it is not, sir.

Kovaliov                What a great day, I can smell again, and the smells along Nevsky Prospekt have never been
                            so sweet.

Ivan Yakovlevich   I could shave you if you want.

Kovaliov               Yes, yes, a shave is in order.  Bring your instruments here and shave me on the street.

Ivan Yakovlevich exits. 

Scene Ia

Enter Madame Podtochina and Aleka Podtochina.

Kovaliov                   (Bowing) My dear, Aleksandra.  Let me apologize for my errant behavior and my accusatory
                                language yesterday.  I was out of sorts and I meant no disrespect.

Madame Podtochina   It is understandable, sir.  A collegiate assessor has many stresses that may bring on any
                                number of disturbances.

Kovaliov                    Indeed.  Ah, my dearest Aleka.  You look simply marvelous today.  I shall wait no longer to
                                have you with me, by my side, from this day forth.

Aleka                        What are you saying, Major?

Kovaliov                    Madame Podtochina, may I take your daughters hand in marriage, to love her and honor
                                her from this day forward until death should separate our corporeal natures?

Madame Podtochina   Delightful.

Aleka                       Oh Major, I knew you’d come around.  I am so happy.  When will our special day come to
                                pass?

Kovaliov                    Go now and make immediate preparations.  I will have shave and come to join you.  We                                     will be married this very day.

Aleka and Madame Podtochina          Delightful!

Aleka                        Major Kovaliov, you are a wonderful man and I would be honored to be your wife.

Kovaliov                    I’ll see you shortly.  Make haste.

They exeunt.  Enter Ivan Yakovlevich.

Scene I b

Ivan Yakovlevich        I am ready to service you, sir.

Kovaliov                    I am ready to be served.  However, be careful pig, for I have just recovered my nose and I
                                will not have you pull it off again.

Ivan Yakovlevich       I will be extra careful.

Kovaliov                   Yes, yes you will.

Scene I c

After a few moments, Astrovsky enters.

Astrovsky                 What is this?  You can not shave a man on the street.  Ivan Yakovlevich you are a dirty
                                rascal.

Kovaliov                    Are your hands clean?

Ivan Yakovlevich        Yes.

Astrovsky                  You are lying!

Ivan Yakovlevich        Upon my word, they are clean, sir.

Kovaliov                    That’s good enough for me.

Astrovsky                  Well, be careful then, and no more shaving on the street.  I shall let this pass since you are                                 having such an honorable man.

Ivan Yakovlevich       Thank you, Inspector.

Kovaliov                   This is a great day indeed.

The Storyteller          So this is the strange event that occurred in the northern capital of our spacious empire! 
                                Only now, on thinking it all over, we perceive that there is great deal that is improbable in
                                it.  Apart from the fact that it certainly is strange for a nose supernaturally to leave it place
                                and to appear in various places in the guise of a civil councilor – how was it that Kovaliov
                                did not grasp that he could not advertise about his nose in a newspaper office?  I do not                                     mean to say that I should think it too expensive to advertise: that is nonsense, and I am by
                                no means a mercenary person: but it is improper, awkward, not nice!  And again: how did
                                the nose get into the loaf, and how about Ivan Yakovlevich himself?...no, that I cannot
                                understand, I am absolutely unable to understand it!  But what is stranger, what is more
                                incomprehensible that anything is that authors can choose such subjects.  I confess that is
                                quite beyond my grasp, it really is…No, No!  I cannot understand it at all.  In the first place,
                                it is absolutely without profit to our country; in the second place…but in the second place,
                                too, there is no profit.  I really do not know what to say of it…and yet, in spite of it all,
                                though of course one may admit the first point, the second and the third…may even…but
                                there, are there not absurd things everywhere?—and yet, when you think it over, there
                                really is something in it.  Despite what anyone may say, such things do happen—not often,
                                but they do happen.

THE END

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